A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: "Can we have sex?"

"No," she replies, "I'm married to God." She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.

The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says:

"I can tell you how to get to have sex with her!"

"Yeah?", says the hippie.

"Yeah!", say the bus driver. "She goes to the cemetery every Tuesday night at midnight to pray, so all you have to do is dress up in a robe with a hood, put some of that luminous powder stuff in your beard, and pop up in the cemetery claiming to be God."

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Well after a long hiatus I thought a new Friday Joke is was order in the new year!

A burglar broke into a house and shined his flashlight around looking for valuables.
He picked up a CD player when a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying 'Jesus is watching you.'
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked off his flashlight and froze.
When he heard nothing more he continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out he heard: 'Jesus is watching you.'
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically. Finally, in the corner of the room his light beam came to rest on a parrot.
'Did you say that?' he hissed at the parrot.
'Yep,' the parrot confessed, then squawked, 'I'm just trying to warn you that he's watching you.'
The burglar relaxed. 'Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?'
'Moses,' replied the bird.
'Moses?' the burglar laughed. 'What kind of people would name a bird Moses?'

'The kind that would name a Rottweiler Jesus'.

An Irishman is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He immediately dials 999.

Irishman: ''It's my wife! I've accidentally shot her, I've killed her!''

Operator: ''Please calm down Sir, can you first make sure she is actually dead!''

*click* *BANG*

Irishman: ''Okay, done that. What next?''

Its been a while but I'm slowly trying to get back in to blogging. To make up heres something to make you smile for the weekend. Enjoy!

A man checks into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely. He thought of one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab. He popped into a phone booth near the hotel and found an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo. She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs all the way up to her..... you know the kind.

He copied down the phone number and returned to his hotel. When back in the room he figures, what the hell, I'll give her a call.

'Hello?' the woman says. God, she sounded sexy.

'Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it rough, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it, and I'm on an expense account so money doesn't mean anything. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night; Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?'

She says, 'That sounds fantastic, Sir, but for an outside line you need to dial 9'.

Its been a couple of weeks since the last Fridays joke as I've been crazy busy recently. I have also been following the recents bits of info leaking out as ColdFusion 9 and Bolt ColdFusion Builder have been doing the rounds at the UG's recently, so now is as good as time as ever to check out your local user group. Enjoy!

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers? Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2009! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques. I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da hell was I 'spose to pick them up !!!

A guy fell asleep on the beach for several hours and got horrible sunburn, specifically to his upper legs.

He went to the hospital, and was promptly admitted after being diagnosed with second-degree burns.

With his skin already starting to blister, and the severe pain he was in, the doctor prescribed continuous intravenous feeding with saline, electrolytes, a sedative, and a Viagra pill every four hours.

The nurse, who was rather astounded, asked, 'What good will Viagra do for him, doctor'?

The doctor replied, 'It won't do anything for his condition,but it'll keep the sheets off his legs.'

A college professor was doing a study testing the senses of first year school children, using a bowl of Fruit Loops, the cereal with the hole in it.

He gave all the children the same kind of loop, one at a time, and asked them to identify them by colour and flavour. The children began to say:

'Red.............cherry,'
Yellow.........lemon,'
'Green..........lime,
'Orange .........orange.'

Finally the professor gave them all 'honey' loops.

After eating them for a few moments none of the children could identify the taste.

'Well,' he said 'I'll give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'

One little girl looked up in horror, spat hers out and yelled:

'Oh My goodness!!!! They're arse-holes !!'

Please update your bookmarks and feeds for my site.

I now have a Mango Blog at:

http://www.andyjarrett.com/blog

Feed URL: http://feeds.feedburner.com/andyjarrett

Don't forget if you've got a corker of a joke sitting in your inbox to send it in and you'll be entered in to my Scotch on the road competition where you can win a free ticket to one of the 3 events being held up and down the country. Enjoy!

One Monday morning the Postman is riding through the neighbourhood on his usual route, delivering the mail. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Derek, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer and liquor bottles for the recycling bin.

'Wow Derek, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night,' the Postman comments.

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